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| Mr. Nelson |
| 09.13.05 (5:10 pm) [edit] |
There are times when we all commit an act of hatred on our fellow humans. It just can't be helped, we are weak creatures. Just the other day I threatened the health and well being of my fellow Californians by knowingly consuming products known to create chemicals that are known to this state to be hazardous to a human's health. I drank soy milk, a substance that when injested by me allows me to double as paint remover. Adding volume to my noxious fume production was the generous amount of hummus I ate. And it would only be fair to mention the tofu I put on my salad.
Generally, I can get away with producing only a limited amout of the most stinky gas by not drinking soy milk. Its the one food I can't digest gracefully. But oh no! I had to have that soy shake because I was starving. Why the hell didn't I just eat a damn Pringle? Or some 17 year old beef jerky being vended in the same store a mere feet away from the stink maker would have given me heartburn and garlic breath but saved millions of brain cells from being melted by the soy milk seepers. To top it off, I had to go to work and hang out behind the bar all by myself. You know every time I let some slip a sassy looking lady dressed in thousands dollars worth of very delicate fabric would appear only to have her frock melted onto her flesh by my woeful wind. So I quickly developed a plan to avoid manslaughter charges. I would leave the bar and stank up the library adjacent to the lobby.
My plan was almost working but the toots were trailing me with an annoying persistence. Desperate for fresh air, I stopped by the concierge desk to flirt with Billy. Never before have I ever met anyone who can switch from professional and helpful to crude and vulgar so quickly. A conversation with him is like doing the Tango with Jeckyll and Hyde. "Good morning, Mr. Oliver! How was dinner at the Fleur de Lys yesterday?" turns into a story related under his breath about the porn he watched the night before featuring a man and a horse and a can of Crisco. (OK, I'm exagerrating, but you get the idea) Just as I'm about to take my leave from him so I could go recreate "Farenheit 451" in the library, our co-worker walked out of the business center located behind the concierge desk. "I just left Mr. Nelson in there. He's in a foul mood and asked to not be disturbed", says Lori as she takes her perch next to Billy. My puzzled facial expression turned into uncontrollable laughter as Billy explained, "Mr. Nelson is our code word for passing gas in the business center and shutting the door on it." I laughed and told the two of them about how I'd been sneaking into the library all day.
A half hour later, Billy comes to the bar with one of the guests of the hotel and introduces me to him and asks if I'd take care of his lunch needs. I said, "It would be my pleasure", becuase I'm supposed to talk like that to our guests and suggested he'd could make himself comfortable anywhere in the room or the library and I would follow with a menu. Billy interjected, "The tables in the library were just refinished this morning. The vapors are still a bit strong in there, I'm told. How about this lovely table by the window, sir?" Not able to control myself, I started to giggle quietly and hurried into the back bar area where Billy followed me. "It's always nice to protect Mr. Nelson's sanctuary, isn't it?"
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posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 09.13.05 (5:42 pm)
Just dont take Mr Nelson to the Blow-Out Sale.
posted by: chicalookate (reply)
post date: 09.14.05 (2:59 am)
Oh my god that made me laugh. No more soy milk for you... nope none.
posted by: a/c (reply)
post date: 09.14.05 (4:02 pm)
oh my gawd ... did i find that hilarious ... like kate said, no more soy milk for you ... nope, none, nada, zero !!!
posted by: a/c (reply)
post date: 09.14.05 (4:03 pm)
but isn't that hummus delicious?
i just love that stuff ... i ate some the other day with bugles as that is all i had ... delicioso ... or something like that
posted by: SusanofPudlin (reply)
post date: 09.30.05 (10:30 am)
There is a REASON I have three dogs. There is always one close by that you can pin it on. I guess you could claim the hotel was haunted and a ghost did it. A ghost named Mr. Nelson.
posted by: Cristin (reply)
post date: 10.14.05 (12:13 pm)
Ohhhh.... I have missed the fun stories. Hope to catch up with you soon!
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