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| the Purse Chucker |
| 09.08.05 (8:06 pm) [edit] |
Several years ago while employed at Arbor Brew I got my hands on three really great seats for Samson and Delilah at Detroit Opera House. Lynne, Mrs. Verlaine, (my mother) and I went downtown on a hot, humid night and watched this very steamy show with jaws agape. We were close enough to the stage to see the toenails of the dancers and the Bacchanale left us all breathless. Opera is such a sensory overload for me. The visual aspect of costumes and movement, the music, the lighting, the tension in the room. I can never get enough of it. Oddly, I don't go very often because I work weekends. Dang.
The last time I saw a show was in Detroit just before I moved to SF. The Magic Flute was showing and I snagged matinee seats for Mom, Kate, Kandis and Carrie. Little did I know that the seats that were in our budget were at the top of the theatre. Opera houses are incredibly steep so that everyone can see the stage and the voices can carry to the furthest reaches of the house. I was also unaware, until that day, that my mother and Kandis have very nearly the same phobias.
"Oh Dear Jesus Lord! I forgot my Xanax!" exclaimed Kan as we got off of an exit ramp in Detoilet only to have to slam on the brakes to avoid ramming a police car that stopped in the middle of a blind curve. (ya gotta be dumb to be a DeeTroyt copper, but do ya have to be an idiot?) We made it without too much incident to the show and took the elevator to our seats on the fourth floor.
The major difference between my mother and Kan when faced with their phobia, in this case heights and the feeling of falling, is that my mother suffers silently. Kandis does nothing silently. "Oh shitballs, I can't believe I'm so high up I have to sit before I fall over the railing and impale myself on some old lady's fucking hair ornament!" compared to, "whoo! we sure are at the top, huh?". Guess who said what. I'm unable to report more about that which came from Kandis' mouth because we weren't able to be seated together. We had seats all arranged in a row just inches from heaven but upon coming up the short stairway and being presented with the altitude of her new home for the next few hours, Kandis put her ass in the first seat she could find and refused to be moved. Luckily no one had purchased the seat in which Kan was squatting and she and Carrie plopped there for the duration of the show. The rest of us climbed up the few remaining rows and found our seats directly over the staiway. My poor mother didn't find this perch very pleasant and when intermission came and I suggested we get up she said, "I'm not going anywhere. I just got used to being here!" Kate and I walked down to visit with Kandis, who was also unable and unwilling to get up from her seat and there it was reported to us, "Jesus fuck, I have to piss so bad there's about to be a waterfall to the main floor but, if I get up, I ain't coming back!" Kate and I peed for all of us.
When the show was over we clapped until we were sweaty with sore palms and waited for the majority of people to move from their seats. When the coast was clear, Kate followed by me, followed by my mother made our way down the stairs to the walkway that would lead us to solid ground. When I was nearing the brightly lit foyer, I heard the unmistakeable sound of my mother's voice, (Kandis was nowhere to be found or heard), "Oh MY GOODNESS! I'm so TERRIBLY sorry! APPARENTLY I had the UNCONTROLABLE URGE to throw my PURSE!!!" It seems that in a moment of vertigo, dear mumsie had a bit of a spasm and threw her purse several seats away from where she was walking, striking a man in the chest. He offered her purse back to her and asked if she was ok. Dear mom has her style. Leave it to her to chuck her purse at a perfect gentleman. "Did you see what happened? Apparently, I had to throw my purse! What if it would have opened and it emptied onto the floor?" I assured my mother that, in that unfortunate instance, the kind man would have picked up all of the contents of the purse and probably asked for her phone number. We found Kandis on the ground floor with Carrie and made our way to the car and then off to a restaurant downtown where we were seated, of all places, on the balcony.
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posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 09.09.05 (4:04 am)
Buwaaaaah! Brilliant! Tell me, dear Sir, are you this comfortable during these episodes? You seem to have a calmness about you when relating these hilarious scenes and yet, I find I'd be hard pressed to find humor in the moment. Do you?
posted by: chicalookate (reply)
post date: 09.09.05 (8:55 am)
I love that story... and I can always pee for everyone. Usually I can fall for everyone too. Why wasn't I worried about landing on the main floor crushing some poor usher?
posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 09.10.05 (7:51 am)
I love this story too!
posted by: Verlaine (reply)
post date: 09.13.05 (3:46 pm)
Reply to: lindy
Oh no, I think it's funny right away. My mother knows this about me and starts yelling at me for using her for my humor nearly immediately. Kate, when she falls in my presence has learned to say, "I'm ok I think, you can laugh now..."
posted by: Verlaine (reply)
post date: 09.13.05 (3:47 pm)
Reply to: chicalookate
I fell up the stairs at the movie theatre yesterday. Everyone saw and Kristin laughed so hard I thought she was gonna die. I didn't spill my Diet Coke, however!
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 09.13.05 (6:52 pm)
Reply to: Verlaine
Hahahaha! Priceless.
posted by: Kim-ber-ly (reply)
post date: 09.22.05 (5:16 pm)
I too love that story! How mortifying that must've been for your mother...
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